In the past year or so, my case of who-the-hell-is-reading-this-oh-god has gotten pretty bad. Bad enough to make me not want to post anything at all. I just feel really exposed, and even though that´s the POINT of blogs – to make you exposed – I no longer want to be. To be exposed is to be vunerable, and that´s not something desireable. I want relationships in which I can communicate open and freely in an egalitarian way. The blogging world is pretty much the opposite of that. You write, and you don´t know who reads it, what it means to them, what impact, if any, it has on the way you interact.
Sometimes one-way communication makes sense. In the case of art, for example, it works splendidly. An artist presents their work, and the work speaks for itself, and it becomes meaningful to whoever experiences it.
But my blog is not art, and it never has been, and I don´t want it to be. I´ve been thinking about what kind of interactions I want in my life, and none of the weird relationships that come from blogging are on that list.
Right now I feel that is important to have a high level of meaningful human interaction in life, and while my nearly ten-year blogging career* has dwindled to almost nothing, my desire to express myself well, to share experiences and ideas with other people, and to continue to develop my ability and motivation to do these things has vastly increased. So I´ve been writing a lot and trying to do it in an intentionally personal and straightforward way, and the reason I find myself absolutely unable to write anything that I would want on a blog is because I am absolutely unable to write anything watered down. For the writing I want to do, I need space to be honest, and right now that space comes from an audience I know and trust.
*not an exaggeration. most of my old blogs are private, but it has actually been that long, dear god.
With a blog, the trust is not really the issue. It´s more the knowing. I don´t know who reads what I write, and that just makes me feel weirder now than it did before. I don´t think it´s a matter of insecurit y. I´m not embarrassed or ashamed of anything I have to say. In fact, it seems to be the the opposite. I want to say things! Many times, I even know how I want to say them! And I know exactly what I want to accomplish now, with regards to writing, and it just happens to be exactly the opposite of what a blog is for.
So, I´m officially retiring from public internet publishing for now. I will stop feeling guilty about never posting, and I will stop pretending that I will ever update again.
But! I am definitely very writing-active, and happy to tell you about my life, and doubly-happy to hear about yours. So if you´re interested in recieving a few emails a month about what´s going on with me, let me know. I won´t think you´re weird if I haven´t heard from you in ages (god, with the amount of lurking I´ve done…) and I won´t care if you never reply or even never get around to reading the emails. My intention is not to shut myself off from the world or be a more “private” person. Not at all. The idea is to strengthen the quality of my connection and communication with people – and I would be happy to do that with any of you.